just a little off kilter

It would be fairly accurate to say that lately I have been feeling a little off kilter. 
I believe several contributing factors may be from two on-line classes I am currently enrolled in:  
Jeanne Oliver's Reflections : Paint Your Story and Melody Ross's Soul Restoration

There's a lot of soul searching and cleansing going on.
I am currently creating a cast of characters who have played a role, good or bad, in my life.
The characters that were in the good category were easy. I shared some of the stories in previous posts.
Now I'm delving into those bad characters. Not too fun! These characters I will keep private

I'm sitting with these feelings knowing that (mentally) running away or trying to hide is not an option.
I'll wear my BIG girl panties and face them head on.
On the others side I will be blessed with a broader knowing and understanding of myself.

In the meantime...

Today, in my journal, I created this sweet little girl amongst some very happy daisies.
While I created this piece my heart was filled with peace and love.

(acrylic, charcoal, pan pastels)

He's the one that gave me the nickname of Top Cat.

I actually thought I was done with my cast of characters until I woke up this morning with this knowing that I had to talk about Uncle Travis.  

He was one of my mother's younger brothers and my favorite uncle.

When he would come to visit my world would light up. 

Even tho I had a speech impediment he always seemed to know exactly what I was trying to say.  He's the one that gave me the nickname of Top Cat.

He made me feel special!

Unfortunately his life was cut short from a car accident at the young age of 32.  I was devastated! 

 For the longest time I believed it was my fault.

Here's why...

Because we had no inside plumbing, at night instead of going to the outhouse  we used "the pot" inside the house.   

Uncle Travis accidentally walked in on me while I was using "the pot".

I felt really embarrassed and I wished he would go away.

So when he died I thought I was responsible.

In retrospect, I see that I carried that guilt with me for a very, very long time.

Thank You, Uncle Travis.

I am currently enrolled in several on-line classes that are offering the opportunity and tools to dig deep into our past for clarification.  

This prompt is from Jeanne Oliver's class Reflections : Paint Your Story . 

Creating a cast of characters who have played a role, good or bad, in your life. 

The Cash Kids

We are family...my brothers, my sisters, and me.

As a group, my parents often referred to us as "the 2 older girls and the 4 little ones".

As I was searching thru my memory bank for someone who had an impact on my life, these guys came to the forefront.

We each have totally different personalities which collectively made us a force to be reckoned with.

There's not enough time and it's difficult to share the impact that each of them have had on my life. 

Just know that it is big! 

The journey thru this course of reflection  has made me even more aware of that.

It was pleasing to my heart to spend the special quiet time with each person as I drew them.

I am grateful.

I am currently enrolled in several on-line classes that are offering the opportunity and tools to dig deep into our past for clarification.  

This prompt is from Jeanne Oliver's class Reflections : Paint Your Story . 

Creating a cast of characters who have played a role, good or bad, in your life. 

she was my guardian angel

Ms. Linke played a pivotal role in my life.

She proved to be more than my kindergarten teacher, she was my guardian angel.

Back in the day...when it was time for a child to be enrolled into school for the first time it was customary for the public health nurse to make a home visit. This may have only applied to poor people, which is the category my family fell into. She came to our house for the evaluation and was concerned to find a child (me) who was extremely introverted and who couldn't speak. I only made grunting noises. It's my understanding, that her recommendation was for me to be placed in a home for "retarded" children. (remember this was in the 1950s-very common) Ms. Linke intervened and persuaded my Mom to allow her one year to work with me before she followed thru. My Mom agreed. This is where the long road of speech therapy began and lasted all the way until high school

I am currently enrolled in several on-line classes that are offering the opportunity and tools to dig deep into our past for clarification. This prompt is from Jeanne Oliver's class Reflections : Paint Your Story . Creating a cast of characters who have played a role, good or bad, in your life.

Sedona-a big part of my storyboard

I'm taking an on-line class by Jeanne Oliver titled:  Reflections: Paint Your Story - An Art Journaling Workshop.  It is a self-discovery journey.

One of the early assignments is to create a storyboard.  It's about gathering all kinds of stuff (photos, images, quotes) things that you love or things that will help tell your story.   From the past, present, and future.

I started my storyboard with a photo of me sitting at the top of Cathedral Rock in Sedona, AZ.  John was honoring me some quite time to sit and meditate.  (Thank You, John)  Sedona has a very special place in my heart.

It's interesting...  I have come to realize that I have not really given myself permission to dream.  I mean, I know there are things that I want in my life but dreaming and dreaming big I just haven't done it.  Maybe it has to do with my  past and living in "a lack of" atmosphere for the majority of my life.  Yet the truth is, it is vitally important to dream.  DREAM, DREAM BIG and not be concerned with how those dreams will become realized.  JUST DREAM!

Living in Sedona, Arizona would be one of my dreams.  (There I said it out loud!) I  am imagining  my art studio being spacious with enough space to create and teach classes.  It would have french doors opening up to a porch facing the beautiful red rocks where I often spend my time simply being.  John and I would spend our morning hours climbing the rocks, looking out to the beautiful land.  I would be filled with inspiration.  Oh my!  I'm excited now!

Here is the beginning of my storyboard.  As I said earlier, I have just begun.  I'll show the rest of it when I'm done.
 I am discovering I love creating using muted colors.  I enjoy working with different materials, my favorite right now if joint compound.  I love lace and dollies.  Even incorporating them into my art.   The family portrait is me and my sisters & brothers.  This marks a time in my life when I wasn't a happy kid, which was the case for most of my childhood, yet when I look at my face a little closer I see the glimmer in my eyes.  I was very introverted which in hindsight I see that it served it's purpose as a form of self protection.  Ms. Linke was the Principle of our school and, also, my 1st grade teacher.  She saw something in me and rescued me from what could have been a horrible life.  Because I was so introverted I had a difficult time talking.  She put together of team that worked with me.  I , very slowly, came out of that shell.

This is getting rather deep.  Isn't it?  I'm sharing info because this blog is about sharing my creative journey.  This happens to be part of that.  Stay with me.  The best is yet to come.

Vulnerable, yet standing.

I've been feeling the urge to challenge myself.

To learn more about who I am as an artist and what I am capable of.

To take more steps out of my comfort zones.

That's when I happen to come across this on-line workshop by Jeanne Oliver  

Reflections: Paint Your Story - An Art Journaling Workshop  

It spoke to me.

I joined.

I am excited to "paint my story".

I've watched several of the videos-I couldn't wait to dive right in.

Still in my nightgown, I cranked up the music (really loud to drown out my inner critic).

I stood up to my easel, charcoal in my hand, and I began.

The intention of this practice was to draw and see what shows up.

I used a charcoal stick and gesso in my journal. 

About 75 minutes later she arrived.  Imperfection and all.

Titled:  "Vulnerable yet standing".