There have been times when I wanted to throw in the towel.

There have been times when I wanted to throw in the towel.  When I've questioned if I was even on the right path.  When I felt like I had nothing to offer creatively.

Deep down I know and I am extremely grateful for this opportunity that I feel God has given to me.   I am a creative Late Bloomer.  I did not know that I could paint or draw until 6 years ago.  It was a cold day in February 2011 that I pondered the thought that there had to be more to life than what I was living.  My life was good, I just felt there had to be more.  I began with  one foot in front of the other.

It is one of the most awesome feelings when I wake up from a night's sleep and intuitively know what I am going to create.  It's the best EVER!  I trust the process and follow.   That's when I'm able to earnestly say, "I have what it takes!"

But...when those negative thoughts creep in, they can/they will/they have thrown me into a tail spin.  It's not fun either to feel so low.  One thing I have learned from experience is it's much easier to "not even go there" with the negative thoughts than it is to try and recover from them.  I have a several plans that seem to work for me.  I acknowledge that negative thoughts are part of the equation and how I handle them is my choice.  They have no power over me, they are just thoughts,  unless I allow them to.  I breathe and let the thought pass me by.

Yet since my fear is about not being creatively worthy I know I have to "get back on the horse" sorta speak.  Here's what I do.

My art table is covered with white craft paper where I scrape the excess paint from my brushes, etc.  This is what it looks like right now.

When I feel the paper is at it's messy capacity and needs to be changed out I roll it up and save it.

Here is one of the many ways I use the rolled up paper.

I take out my art journal. 

I glue sections of the paper onto pages of the journal.

I instantly have the start of an art journal page.  This helps spark creativity.   

A blank page can be daunting at times which can jump start the mind-chatter into motion.

Here are some of my current pages all ready for me.

They almost look like art themselves.  Don't they?

                                

                                

   

Below is a journal page that started out as scrap paper from my art table. All I did was add flowers by making acrylic skins.  I painted stems and leaves.  I added shadows with charcoal.

Rest assured I averted the negative mind chatter on this day.

Thanks for sharing my journey with me.

Not at the top of my game

When I got up this morning I didn't feel "at the top of my game".  

I felt off - I couldn't pinpoint any reason why, I just did.  

Because I am an avid believer in the Law of Attraction I know how important feelings are.  

Good or bad, your feelings conjure up very strong chain reactions.  

Setting all sorts of things into motion to reinforce your feelings.

I wanted to shake this feeling. So... I did what I knew best to do.  

I went into my studio and created art with abandon, no concerns for the outcomes.  

I did a spread in my art journal.

Worked on four sculptures that I have in progress.

I was enjoying this time creating in my studio.

By late morning I was getting my groove back.

I finished the day off with this lady.

with a heavy heart

I have a friend who's heart is really heavy right now with sorrow.

Thoughts of her and what she is feeling lingers with me.

I want to be there for her yet I am not sure how.

My nature is to be a shoulder and to help lift people when they want to move forward.

There will be a time for that.

For now, in silence, I send loving energy with the intention to comfort her. 

I spent time in my art journal today expressing myself without a filter.

It's just me sharing my heart, thru my art.

This is one of the many reasons I LOVE creating art........

she was my guardian angel

Ms. Linke played a pivotal role in my life.

She proved to be more than my kindergarten teacher, she was my guardian angel.

Back in the day...when it was time for a child to be enrolled into school for the first time it was customary for the public health nurse to make a home visit. This may have only applied to poor people, which is the category my family fell into. She came to our house for the evaluation and was concerned to find a child (me) who was extremely introverted and who couldn't speak. I only made grunting noises. It's my understanding, that her recommendation was for me to be placed in a home for "retarded" children. (remember this was in the 1950s-very common) Ms. Linke intervened and persuaded my Mom to allow her one year to work with me before she followed thru. My Mom agreed. This is where the long road of speech therapy began and lasted all the way until high school

I am currently enrolled in several on-line classes that are offering the opportunity and tools to dig deep into our past for clarification. This prompt is from Jeanne Oliver's class Reflections : Paint Your Story . Creating a cast of characters who have played a role, good or bad, in your life.

another reason to journal

This morning I took some time to look thru old journals, written ones and art ones.  Journaling serves many purposes for me.  It's a place where I express how I am feeling or what is happening in my life,   what my heart is feeling at that moment.  If I have an issue to resolve I will often finish journaling with a resolution.   When I look back in my journals it's always a good reminder to see how far I have come.  This is especially good if I feel stuck or that I am not making any progress.  This entry was from August 2011.  It tickles me because I can actually relive how I was feeling when I first discovered I was meant to draw.   I even wrote I was convinced that I can draw people.  Here I am 3 1/2 yrs. later still working toward that dream.  There's something about re-reading this posts that gives me more incentive to keep going.  Mayber move even faster.

I did notice something... at the end of the post, after I drew her face, I wrote "I know she needs work but for my first drawing I'm frickin' excited".  I am profoundly aware that I am still saying pretty much the same thing after I draw.  It is my intention to stop saying that.

One step further I followed up with an entry in my art journal.

Thank You from the depth of my heart for all of your encouragement and support

 as I travel down my creative path.

It would not have been the same without you cheering on the sidelines.

ordinary courage

 I am feeling inspired by the word courage so I did this layout in my art journal.

When I think of all the times I reach out of my comfort zone what I am actually doing is being courageous. And with each courageous action it makes it easier the next time.

I've just started reading  Brene' Brown's book titled The Gifts of Imperfection, right in the beginning she talks about courage.  I discovered that I had highlighted many things she had to say.  This is a statement she makes on page 13.  I was forced to stop and ponder what that meant, it really struck a cord.  Of all the (perceived)  hurdles I thought  I had,  I was looking at them as being something that I am afraid of.  I've made a conscious decision to change my perception.  Instead of thinking about the fear I am going to revel in being courageous.  

So I ask you...what can you be courageous about today?  Even small, I'd really like to hear.