connecting my dots

It's a beautiful early Thursday morning as sit in my studio writing in my journal.  A journal I started after I put myself thru The Artist's Way book, which I would highly recommend to everyone.  Sometimes I journal about "surface issues" of things that are on my mind.  Thru the process of writing I have revealed how those "surface issues" take much deeper things into things I need to look at.  Sometimes good-sometimes not so good.  I feel courageous and vulnerable at the same time as I explore.  I do know for fact that I am becoming more aware.

For those of you who know me, know that I am basically a private person.  I am not one who can easily confide in someone else if something is bothering me.  I know it's a trust issue.  I use to just hold everything on the inside and now I am able to write in my journal.  I just watched Oprah's Special Edition Life Class (I have all of them taped) where she showed pieces of interviews with well known people.  They all talked about how their past has shaped them.  I am going to embark upon looking at my past, writing about my past, and learning from my past.  I can readily acknowledge how events from my past have enforced my fears but I know there is more to my story.  And fear should not be the primary outcome.  If everything happens for a reason then I believe there's more to my story than fear.

artwork by Kelly Rae Roberts

As I finished writing the previous sentence, I paused for a moment and my eyes were immediately drawn to this piece of art on my wall.  I just love how messages can come to me when I most need it.  Everything in my life has shaped me to be the person I am today.  I want to take my life experiences, my past, and choose to look at it from a more conscious position.  To choose to look at those times with, also, a more grateful perspective  instead of the poor me view.  I guess, in short, I want to know me better.  When I learn and fully accept my past I will then be able to see myself and my future better.   As Steve Jobs said, "You can't connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards.  ...believing that the dots will connect down the road will give you the confidence to follow your heart, even when it leads you off the well worn path."  That's what I want!!!!!!  To connect my dots and move forward with enough confidence to continue to follow my heart.

I do have something, as they say, "in the pot stirring" and I'll tell you more later when I've done more soul searching.



Here's part of my story ( a short version) that goes like this.....

             As Kelly Rae Roberts says in her artwork "your story matters...tell it".

This will be a sneak peek into my world.  After 58 years I have lots of stories to tell.  I do not profess to be a writer, I am just wanting to share some pieces of who I am.

The spring of 1993 I was sitting on my bathroom floor crying  really hard about something disappointing that happened at work that day.  I can't even remember now what had me so upset.  I cried for a long time and all of a sudden I realized all the energy I was wasting and wondered what would happened if I took the negative energy and turned it into positive energy.   I got up from the bathroom floor and went into my

and drew this picture. 

I cannot not find the proper words to describe what kind of feeling I got when I was done.  All I know is that it changed the direction of my life.  From that time forward smiling became more important to me.  The big wide grin became part of me.  I had professional cards made, on the back side was written "If each of us would find a way to bring a smile to someone's day, we could make a difference in the world.".  I would drop that card any place I could, anyway I could to get the message across.  The message is much deeper than just showing your teeth, but that is a great beginning. 

A couple of months later I had a dream, when I got out of bed I drew a picture of an angel and then as soon as I could I made one.  She is a Good News angel who delivers the same message, "If each of us would find a way to bring a smile to someones day, we could make a difference in the world". 

                                   Here she is.

I love this little angel!  Oh my gosh, I just realized... she is 18 years old.  Whew!!  There has been alot of hands to help make her in those years.  When my daughter was a teenager her boyfriend use to paint the shoes for me so he could have some spending money.  To this day he will still talk about the Good News angel.  I use to put her in baskets with a sign that said Angels for Hire and people would take them to their work and sell them because they believed in the message, as well.  I've sold them at craft shows.  I would enlist a friend to help me and we would take sheets and wrap around us to dress like angels.  Wearing a sign around our neck that said Angels for Hire. We sold angles like crazy and we had fun!  My friend, Pauline, called me one day with some cool news that she had been to someone's house, someone she didn't know, and one of my angels was hanging on the wall.  Pauline was so excited to tell me that and  I was excited to hear it. 

The way the Good News angel came into my life is bigger than I can totally comprehend.  I am going bring her back into the world again.  The message she delivers is just as important today as it has been in the past years.

There's more stories......later.

I'd like to hear your stories.